COSMIQUEST!

The Very Final Regurgitation
Unless This Turkey's Fans Come Through Again


Copyright 2002 Guy Hoyle

 “This is the voyage of the Space Cruiser ‘Plagiarize’. Its interminable mission: to exploit strange new worlds; to seek out new episodes and new TV stations; to boldly go after anything that looks good in a skirt...”

"CosmiQuest" is a thinly-disguised parody of a popular TV show that has spun off sequels on the big and small screens.  It's a game based on Risus: the Anything RPG , (copyright  1993-2001) by S. John Ross. There’s another great parody of the same show at http://home.collegeclub.com/liquidmax/risustrek.html by the very talented LiquidMax. I think I’ve seen another one, too, but I can’t remember where.
 
CHARACTER CLICHES
  • Vulgarians: Emotionless, logical, pointy-eared humanoids with loud clothing and coarse language.
  • Andorphians: Mellow blue guys with antennae.
  • Tellawrongs: pig guys who are culturally incapable of making factual statements.
  • Android That Wishes It Was Human: Be stronger and faster and smarter than a human, only you want emotions.
  • Android That Thinks It's Superior To Humans: Be stronger and faster and smarter than a human, only you don't want emotions.
  • Captain Casanova: Score with hot babe of the week, safeguard the lives of 430 crew members, topple millennia-old civilizations in an afternoon because they seem, I dunno, just not right
  • Captain French Guy Played With A British Accent: drink hot tea, wrestle manfully with your conscience, emote succinctly, polish scalp
  • Captain Almost-Famous Former Movie Star: confide in ship's doctor your career's going  nowhere, remind people that you once played Jesus, strive against big-headed aliens, snuggle reluctantly with illusionary babe, fire agent who got you this gig
  • Captain Squinty-Eyed Former TV-Star Whose Name Rhymes with “Dracula”: Play with dog, agonize over dilemma, take savage beatings week after week
  • Redshirted Cannonfodder: get killed episode after episode.
  • Science Officer: scan for life forms, spout technobabble, use frycorder
  • Number One: get snippy about “pee jokes”, take command when the captain's on a "bar trek", do important ship stuff, no, I mean it really IS.
  • Scottish Chief Engineer: stash haggis in the Jeffreys tubes, fix burp drive, drink lots of scotch.
  • Redneck Chief Engineer: strip down to underoos whenever possible, fix burp drive, annoy people with Jeff Foxworthy impressions.
  • Snobulans: be superior, engage croaking device, look like Vulgarians
  • Dork drone: act like an automaton, assimilate biological and technological distinctiveness, wear rubber suits with lots of kitchen appliances and late-night commercial gadgets attached, tape broken glasses together, never clean up your room, never take out the garbage until the Dork Queen yells at you.
  • Turtleheads:  t'ALk l'IKE th'I's, defend your honor, conquer other planets, kill things for fun

TECHNOLOGY


As per standard Risus usage, most technology is counted as tools of the trade.
  • Burp Drive: powered by a pasta/antipasto reactor, the Burp Drive surrounds the ship with a self-regurgitating Burp bubble which ejects it at hyper-realistic velocities. For the liberal arts majors reading this, it makes it go very, very fast.
  • Frycorder: portable sensors/TiVo/deep fat fryer. Records your favorite TV shows and makes tasty homemade donuts, fries, and onion rings.
  • The Holodreck: projects the actors into an incredibly contrived plot which often breaks down, at an incredible risk to their careers.
  • Croaking Device: Snobulan invisibility screen that confuses sensors, causing them to emit froglike croaking sound.
  • Fazer: multiple-function weapon, which can be set on “stub” (hurts as bad as a stubbed toe), “kiln” (heats things up), “discombobulate” (throws your molecules into a state of confusion), and 3 different channels of ESPN.
  • Futon Torpedoes: A projectile consisting of antipasto particles wrapped in a foam rubber mattress.
  • Detractor Screens: Mocks and derides the ability of the enemy to hit the ship, thus throwing off his aim. “C’mon, c’mon, you couldn’t hit the broad side of an asteroid!”

 ADVENTURE SEEDS

The ship is in danger; the captain must choose between the lives of his crew and the chance to score with a hot babe.

The hot babe is in danger; the captain must choose between scoring with her and the lives of his crew.

The budget is in danger; the producer must choose between his cushy job and the self-respect of his cast.

A naughty computer takes over a planet, and the captain must talk gibberish at it to get a paycheck this week.

An interstellar diplomatic crisis forces the captain to prove how much he's overacting.  Or he nails the head alien babe, one or the other.

Trapped on a standing backlot set without a budget, the captain must attempt to act his way out of a paper bag and break free of his contract.

On a planet without singles bars, the captain must seek the help of an old enemy to save his reputation as an intergalactic studmuffin.

To prevent war between two planets, the captain must wear an ill-fitting toupee.

A Snobulan walks into Sickbay with a Regulan Bloodworm on his head. The crusty old sawbones says,"What seems to be the problem?" The Regulan Bloodworm says, "I'm stuck in a cheesy space opera with an iron-clad seven year contract." The crusty old sawbones says, "I know, we've got the same agent." The Snobulan says, "You guys know Shifty Lefkovitz too?"
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