RISVS SARDONICVS
or, Roman Hands, Thracian Fists, and Dacian Feet
Misadventuring in the Roman Empire
with Risus: The Anything RPG © 1993-2001 by S. John Ross
Everything else © 2002 Guy
Gregory Hoyle
Acrobat
Juggle, walk tightrope, amuse audiences, wear funny clothes, be nimble, be sure-footed
Variations: Tumbler, contortionist
Advisor
Advise ruler, cite precedent, talk for hours, speak with authority, debate
minutiae, know history and laws
Variations: Scheming Kingmaker, Dedicated Public Servant,
Self-Serving Bureaucrat
Amorous Scoundrel
Go without sleep, run from enraged spouse, leap out window, caress
passionately, endear with a look, virility under duress, be attractive and
charming
Variations: Seductress, Libertine, Ladies’ Man, Hussy, Philanderer
Alchemist (Pharmakon)
Brew useful but noxious potions, analyze somebody else’s noxious potions,
learn about obscure poisons, write recipes in a complex code, blow up lab on a
regular basis
Arena Hunter
Hunt exotic game for arena, organize expedition, survive in the wild, tramp
stealthily, know nature lore, know territory, palaver with natives
Variations: Hard-bitten Trapper, Sadistic Animal Trainer, Greedy Arena
Factor
Artist
Be sensitive, suck up to potential patrons, defend
artistic vision, suffer for your art
Variations: Sculptor, Painter, Mosaic Tiler,
Playwright, Actor
Beggar
Grovel convincingly, show crippling injury, flatter gullible passersby,
spin tale of woe, collect juicy gossip, rummage through garbage heaps, eat
stuff that would gag an orc, sleep in alleys and on
doorsteps
Variations: Vagabond, Tramp, Mendicant,
Panhandler, Freeloader
Bounty Hunter
Hunt outlaws, hunt barbarians, track through the wilderness, stalk through
cities
Backgrounds: Barbarians looking for rewards; greedy or revenge-seeking
Romans
Variations: Opportunistic , Vengeful, Greedy,
Famous, Infamous, Bloodthirsty
Boxer
Fight without weapons or armor, float like
butterfly/sting like bee, register fists as deadly weapons
Background:
Plebeian, ex-slave
Variations:
Professional, Amateur, Corrupt, Honorable
Buffoon
Wear funny clothes, make witty observations about people at the court who hopefully
won’t get mad and have you killed, embarrass that guy you don’t like, make
everybody realize just how witty you really are, take a pratfall, juggle as if
your life depended on it, caper and prance
Charioteer
React quickly, lay on the lash, survive crashes, evaluate horses, maintain
chariots, know odds
Background: often slaves or freedmen; successful drivers might rise in
rank.
Variations: Despised, Greedy, Famous, Infamous, Corrupt
Christian Priest
Denounce heresy, minister to flock, proselytize, organize secret meetings,
teach Scripture, endure persecution, perform marriage, baptize infant, convert
unbeliever
Variations: Kindly, Arrogant, Condescending, Saintly
Christian
Hide beliefs, meet secretly, witness to others, proselytize, hide sacred
paraphernalia, endure persecution, render unto Caesar
Background: any. Christians are often persecuted and must hide their
religion from outsiders.
Variations: Rabble-Rousing Missionary, Covert Acolyte, Devout Pilgrim, Future
Martyr
Civil Servant
Produce red tape, accumulate wealth and power, shuffle papers, produce
voluminous reports, create organizational system only you can understand, say
things in a way that people will be afraid to admit they don’t understand,
supervise subordinates, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut
Backgrounds: Slaves, Ex-Slaves, Former Roman officers
Variations: Capable Functionary, Greedy Procurator, Meddlesome
Administrator, Devious Civil Servant, Cowardly Secretary, Honest Magistrate
Courier (Auriga)
Carry dispatches, convey orders, deliver reports, be resourceful, complete
assignment at all costs
Variations: Scupulous, Careless, Traitorous
Craftsperson
Craft, make minor Equipment, Find Necessary
Supplies, Haggle; Inspired, Patient
Background: slave, ex-slave, plebeian
Variations: Silversmith, jeweller, mason, potter, weaver, cook, baker,
leatherworker, laundress, woodcrafter, brewer
Diplomat
Carry important messages, be an emissary, pal around with foreign
courtiers, indulge in intrigue, keep your eyes and ears open, know what to kiss
and when, know about what’s in vogue
Background: Equestrian or patrician class
Variations: No-nonsense Envoy, Jaded Ambassador
Diviner
Cast horoscope, examine livers, read palms, interpret omens, gaze into
crystal ball, examine head-bumps, read cards, read tea leaves, dowse for water,
use ouija board, look in magic scrying
pool, read runes, find prophecies in sacred books, interpret dreams, cast lots,
psychometry
Variations: Convincing Fraud, Self-Deluded Fortune-Teller,
Wealthy Astrologer, Greedy Haruspex, Priestly Augur
Entertainer
Juggle things, sing funny songs, tell lame jokes, do funny voices, imitate
local celebrities
Variations: Wacky Juggler, Lame Comedian, Sonorous Soliloquist, Nimble
Prestidigitator, Exotic Dancer
Explorer
Get antsy when you’re home too long, go somewhere nobody else has ever
heard of, meet people you can’t talk to, stumble on lost civilizations, collect
exotic memorabilia, tell stories about how you got that scar, learn scandalous
phrases in foreign languages
Background: often a merchant or sailor, sometimes a wealthy equestrian or
patrician
Fisherman
Fish, build boat, repair nets, make traps, know the local
waters, brag about the one that got away
Background: slave, ex-slave, plebeian
Gang Member
Defend turf or patron, know streets, evade capture, stand up for your gang,
persuade violently
Background: ex-gladiators, young nobles looking for trouble or serving
tough-willed clients, former soldiers, urban poor
Variations: Young Noble Bully, Street-Bred Tough, Struggling Ex-Soldier,
Swaggering Ex-Gladiator, Ponderous Thug, Belligerent Mook
Gladiator
Salute the emperor because you’re about to die, fight with odd weapons and
too little armor, please the crowd, flex muscles impressively, “it’s just a scratch”,
kill opponents entertainingly, learn clever ways to “die” convincingly
Background: Barbarian, Slave
Variations: Enslaved Pit-Fighter, Famous Professional Gladiator, Crazed
Crusher
Gladiator
Salute the emperor because you’re about to die, fight with odd weapons and
too little armor, please the crowd, flex muscles impressively, “it’s just a scratch”,
kill opponents entertainingly, learn clever ways to “die” convincingly
Background: Slave, often Barbarian
Variation: Reluctant, Bloodthirsty, Sadistic, Famous, Infamous, Wealthy,
Greedy, Ex-
Healer
Bind wounds, split broken bones, know herbal lore, treat
illness
Variations: Discrete Physician, Crusty Old Sawbones, Rustic
Herbalist, Embittered Combat Medic, Devout Faith Haler
Hedge Wizard
Find lost possessions, craft protective amulets, scare away vermin and
unwelcome visitors, create sleeping potion, cure minor ills, use natural
properties of plants and animals
Herder
Care for herd, train dog, butcher herd animals, run long distance, listen
to endless stream of off-color jokes about herders and their herds
Background: slave, ex-slave, plebeian
Innkeeper
Keep a tidy inn, throw out ruffians, provide food and drink, keep valuables safe
Variations: Nosy Landlord, Generous Taverner,
King's Hosteler, Long-Suffering Bartender, Buxom
Serving Wench, Burly Barmaid
Lawyer
Plead case, investigate suspect, make speech, fake evidence, obfuscate, bribe official
Variations: Greedy, Corrupt, Crusading, Famous, Infamous, Struggling,
Poor, Streetwise, Self-Promoting, Overconfident
Legionnaire
Perform duty, esprit de corps, take orders from your superiors, give orders
to your subordinates, know the regulations, complain about the food, stand
watch, complain about “the brass”, maintain discipline on the battlefield,
gamble and drink and wench off duty
Background: Cannot be of Equestrian or Senatorial ranks. Must
be a free Roman citizen.
Variations: Bumbling Veteran, Green Young Recruit, Dashing Young Officer,
Grizzled Old Campaigner, Pious Mithraist
Magician
Make talismans and amulets, ward off evil eye, bring luck, ward off danger
from building or property, defend walls or gates, create guardian statues, make
sacred stones, bring luck and prosperity, repulse danger, avert ill-will,
reverse sterility, prevent illness, oppose harmful testimony, protect
from curses
Mariner
Live on a ship, never get seasick, say things like “arr,
matey” and “landlubber”, wear little or no armor,
batten down the hatches, swab the deck, climb the rigging, man the fo’c’sl, get tattoos, wear a ring in your ear, have a girl
in every port, dance a hornpipe
Medium
Hold seance, enter trance, contact spirit guide,
contact the dead, speak in spooky voices, interpret knocks on the walls by
spirits of the dear departed, speak in spooky voices
Merchant
Buy cheap and sell dear, haggle haggle haggle!, know what things cost,
keep an eye on your stuff, organize caravan, carry heavy stuff, pick up the
local gossip
Midwife
Know signs of pregnancy, tend mother-to-be, spread old wive's
tales, terminate pregnancy
MilitaryTtribune
Plan battle, lead troops, lead sortie, spy on
enemy, command auxiliaries, carry message
Background: Equestrian or Senatorial rank or family, impoverished Patrician
Mystic
Seek enlightenment, meditate upon obscure philosophical dilemmas, avoid
unnecessary confrontations (but not the necessary ones), use obscure quotations
from dead philosophers and strange folk wisdom, feign death, leave body,
levitate self, don’t own more than you can carry
Background: Foreigner from the east (e.g., Asia, India or China)
Necromancer
Summon spirits of the deceased, harrow up the dead, look good in black, be
spooky, hang around in graveyards and ancient battlefields, exorcise ghosts
Outlaw
Spit in the face of authority, scoff at
the law, rob wayfarers and passersby, live in unpleasant places, disguise
yourself as harmless local, travel lightly, watch your back, brag about the
bounty on your head
Variations:
Freedom-Loving Rebel, Fugitive from Justice, Reluctant Gangster
Pacifist
Resist passively, don’t fight (even to defend yourself or others), tell
others not to fight, resolve conflicts peaceably, don’t wear armor, get beaten
up a lot, get killed (usually only done once)
Pagan Priest
Perform ceremony,
supervise charity, perform divination, teach theology,
give advice
Variations: Patrician, Equestrian, Plebeian, Kind, Generous, Corrupt
Patrician
Hold office, debate endlessly, set good example, be educated, live
lavishly, behave condescendingly, command respect, have a lot of influence,
keep the peasants in their place, demand the best things in life, go hunting
and riding, wear fancy clothing
Variations: Honest, Strong-Willed, Patriotic, Corrupt, Lecherous, Decadent,
Thrill-Seeking, Young, Impoverished, Debauched
Philosopher
Indulge curiosity, know lots of obscure facts, carry around bundles of
esoteric equipment, collect thousands of specimens, know astrology, take
measurements and make calculations, lecture authoritatively, debunk critics,
denounce rival, look scruffy
Platonist: Find ways to improve things, concentrate on the mind and soul
Pythagorean: “Number is all”, manipulate through astrology and numerology, attempt
to abolish irrational numbers, purify soul through successive lives through
intellectual activities
Megaran: Give lectures, debate everything, make
people do things they don’t know they want to do
Milesians: Make calculations, draw up complicated
plans, observe the heavens
Cynics: Don’t believe what your senses tell you, deliver unpleasant truths
without flinching, hopelessly and shamelessly offend
Stoics: Endure hardship, ignore suffering, pay no heed to pleasure
Epicurians: Experience everything, disregard
unpleasant experiences, free self and others from fear (not the same as
boldness)
Pirate
Sail the seas, attack ships, ransom
wealthy prisoners, climb the rigging, say things like “Sink me fer a lubber!” and “Shiver me timbers!”, have an eyepatch or a peg leg or a hook
Background:
Greek, Phoenician
Variations:
Dashing Privateer, Grizzled Sea Dog, One-Eyed Buccaneer, Ouzo-Swilling
Freebooter
Police/Fireman (Vigile)
Patrol neighborhood, put out fires, spot crimes, enforce law, look for danger,
use own judgement
Background: freedmen, others
Roman Politician
Speak publicly, know laws, seek office, serve Rome (without pay), know
Greek, enhance reputation, maintain wealthy lifestyle, know important people
Background: Equestrian or Senatorial rank or family, impoverished Patrician
Variations: Corrupt, Virtuous
Foreign Ruler
Look imposing, bluster, debate, compromise, rally followers, keep followers
happy, find weakness in argument, negotiate
Variations: Foreign Despot, Tribal Chieftain, Barbarian King, Crafty
Usurper, Beloved Queen, Despised Tyrant, Reluctant Dictator, Puppet Monarch
Scholar
Know lots of obscure lore, write down everything, be an expert on
something, act as if you know something about everything else, criticize
rivals, flatter patrons
Scout
Live in the wild, hunt game, trap small animals, know the lay of the land,
watch enemy troop movements, size up danger, be self-reliant, be uncomfortable
out of your element
Background: barbarian, ex-legionnaire
Variations: Pathfinder, Frontiersman
Secret Agent
Sneak around, decode secret messages, eavesdrop,
stay out of the way, work undercover, know foreign languages, give report,
kill people, wear cheesy disguises, use interesting poisons
Note: may be working for private citizens, political parties, a wealthy
patron, or the government (or any combination thereof)
Variations: Informer, Spy, Infiltrator, Investigator
Sharpshooter
Hit a fly’s eye at 100 yards, be rock-steady, be extremely protective of your equipment
Background: Barbarian, Legionnaire
Variations:
Eagle-eyed Archer, Trick Knife Thrower
Shipwright
Build Ship, Patch Leaks, Make Sails, Boil Pitch, Career Ship
Slave
Obey master, endure beatings, swallow pride, sieze
opportunities, explain self, keep ears open and mouth shut
Variations: Ambitious, lazy, rebellious, talented, beautiful, ex-
Smith
Make things out of metal, ignore burns, impressive muscles, evaluate
metalwork, snarl at lazy apprentice
Background: slave, ex-slave, plebeian
Variations: blacksmith, weaponsmith
Smuggler
Fence illicit goods, feign innocence, have connections, appraise goods,
obtain forged documents, conceal identity, have an escape
plan
Background: any
Soldier of Fortune
Getting paid for fighting, getting tricked out of being paid by evil patron
who hired you, looking to be hired by a non-evil patron, gambling and drinking
and wenching your pay away
Background: Usually a Barbarian or a former Legionnaire
Variations: Avaricious Mercenary, Idealistic Sellsword,
Heartbroken Footslogger
Sorcerer
Make trouble, afflict with boils, poison
wells, afflict cattle, cause plague, pretend not to be a sorcerer
Tenant Farmer
Grow food, raise livestock, kill varmints, gripe about taxes, talk about
weather
Background: slave, ex-slave, plebeian
Thief
Steal valuables, purloin treasure, filch a fortune, pilfer swag, cut
purses, burgle shops, loot coffers, ransack vaults, slink warily, shadow
victims, strike from behind, fence booty, bypass booby traps, scale obstacles
Variations: Deft Cutpurse, Dashing Highwayman, Gentleman Jewel-Thief
Village Crone
Cackle menacingly, prepare corpse, tell how much better things used to be,
hide valuables away, know secret
Background: Any except Equestrian, Senatorial, or Impoverished Patrician
Village Priest
Bless crops and cattle, perform marriages, bless newborns, perform
funerals, perform auguries, serve the gods
Background: Any except Equestrian, Senatorial, or Impoverished
Patrician
Weapon Master
Single-minded devotion to mastering one type of weapon, not being able to
master other types of weapons, being able to do cool things with the type of
weapon that you can maste
Background: Most likely barbarian or gladiator.
Variations: World-weary Swordslinger, Eager Young
Duellist, Lord of the Lash
BARBARIAN CLICHES
Romans consider anyone who is not a Roman citizen to be a barbarian. However,
in this context, we’ll only consider the stereotypical barbarians like the
Celts, the Picts, the Scytheans,
and the Germans, and all those like them; all other non-Romans (such as the
Egyptians, the Persians, etc.) are referred to as “Foreigners”. Many other cliches above are well-suited to barbarians (e.g.,
gladiator, soldier of fortune, soldier, gang member, chariot driver, scout,
arena hunter, etc.)
Amazon
Stand up for yourself to any patronizing male, show women how to fend for
themselves, show those bully-boys who’s better
Background: usually a Barbarian (Scot/Pict,
German, Scythean, perhaps a descendant of the
legendary Amazons from a lost civilization)
Barbarian
Glower menacingly at soft city dwellers, complain about the filthy streets,
praise the virtues of living in a crude lean-to in your faraway homeland,
forget to shower except when it rains ,heft a mean battleaxe,
perform amazing feats of martial prowess, have a wyrd
or geas
Variations: Filthy German, Woad-stained Scot/Pict, Scythian Horseman, African Tribesman
Berserker
Ignore wounds, look really scary, fight to the death, intimidate, ignore
fire, drink kegs of ale, punch out rude oxen, leave a trail of destruction at a
moment’s notice
Background: Scot
or Pict, German
Bloodthirsty Crone
Appease the Earth, assure fertility, inflict curse on the wicked, lift
curse from community, conduct human sacrifice (only when necessary), stop plague
Druid
Sacrifice prisoners (only when absolutely necessary), predict weather,
answer questions with riddles, invoke the powers of nature, perform
bizarre rituals
Variations: Rebel Druid, Village Druid, Wandering Druid
Savage
Be primitive, hunt and forage, wear skins and paint, know about animals and
plants and spirits, sleep lightly, be perplexed by foreign ways
EMPLOYMENT
Poor Jobs
Beggar, Client, Dole Recipient, Litter Bearer, Low-Income Teacher, Miner,
Street Guide, Street Thief, Street Vendor, Streetwalker, Tenant farmer, Work
Gang farmer
Struggling Jobs
Auxiliary Soldier, Barber, cart Driver, Cook, Sign Writer, Slave Cook,
Small Store Owner, Street magician, Street Porter
Average Jobs
Astrologer, bath masseur, Bodyguard, Cheap lawyer, Elementary Teacher,
Gladiator, Legionary, Minor Civil Servant, Minor Priest, Personal Attendant,
Sailor, Scribe, Shop Owner, Skilled Craftsman, Slave Administrator, Slave
Entertainer, Small Farm Owner
Comfortable Jobs
Artist, Augur, Bank Secretary, Building Administrator, Charioteer, Civil
Servant, Corrupt Civil Servant, Doctor, Gladiator manager (Lanista),
Lawyer, Legionary Officer, Merchant, Praetorian Guard, Provincial Tax
Collector, Rhetoric Teacher
Wealthy Jobs
Banker, Building Owner, Imperial Favorite, Large Land Owner, Provincial
Governor